What am i to do with my life? I'm 26 years old, loveless, underpaid and broke. I should not be complaining i know. But these days thinking about the future i can't help but ask myself "what lies ahead of me?". It seem that it's taking forever to get somewhere, to my goals in life. I know it's wrong to compare myself to others but i feel like i'm the only one left behind. It's frustrating sometimes that at my age i'm still not making any progress. As if i am always starting from the beginning. As if i am still learning abc's and the rest are already learning their algebra. At this age i'm still finding a much suitable and decent place to stay here in cebu. At this age i'm still finding the right guy to love and who would love me back. At this age i'm still trying to fit my salary in a month from which can barely buy me a pair of jeans. At this age i'm still thinking if this is really the right job for me. At this age i have no clue as to what it is i ought to do for the following years to come. I'm running out of patience knowing that i still haven't figured things out for myself and it's not easy holding all these by myself and there is nobody to share this with. No one to turn to when i'm feeling lost and confuse. Nobody knows that i'm feeling this way. What they see is a person who doesn't have troubles because of this smile i always wear, this fake smile. But the truth is i'm carrying a huge cross and at night when i feel that i've had enough of this heavy load i would cry and nobody is there to even ease the pain i am feeling. I just choose not to share about my problems because it is something that only I can fix because it is myself that is i'm battling with. The worst of all that you have to fight with, one's self. I have before tried sharing this with someone and he ended up leaving me because he was expecting that he could help me but then there was nothing he can do. I pushed him away because he thought that I will never be happy and that i will never change. I disappointed him. Because of that experience i have stopped opening myself to anyone as I have with him. Maybe it's better this way. No one will expect anything from you. No one will be disappointed but then again no one is there to catch you when you fall because you've closed your doors already to those people who are willing to lend a helping hand. Can i risk being hurt again? I don't know. I so badly need somebody but then my fear of feeling the pain of being left behind is much greater than anything else.
The truth is i mabye feeling envious to most of the friends i've known. most of them have already gone to other places (I've not even been on a plane. never even seen one upclose). Most of them have already provided financial help to their families, I on the other hand keeps asking from mama for help. Most have already been in a happy and stable relationship, getting married and having their own family. Most have already been promoted to their jobs. yes i am a bit envious to all these. I know i'll get over this feeling but i can't help but fear if i'm forever going to be stuck to this situation. A situation where i always am the shadow of someone else's. A situation where i always have to give way for others. A situation where i am always the one to sacrifice. So many things i need to think about. I just wish that it won't be too late for me. I've missed plenty of opportunities already. Oh God help me. I know that there are a lot out there who is carrying a much heavier load but Lord you know that my heart is not as strong as their's. Instead make my heart strong enough to help me get through all these. I am nothing without you. Help me.
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