A YeaR WiTh Me, MySelf, and I

So today is the anniversary of my being single after my last serious relationship. A lot have reacted to me remembering the day I got dumped. How can I not forget that day? It was the first time in my life I have ever felt tremendous pain caused by a guy. It kinda left a big scar in my heart. But believe me when I say this that I have forgiven him already. I am even happy for him. He is with someone new now and they are pretty serious. And I know that he loves her more than he has ever loved me. I'll admit that the first time I found out about her, a month ago, I did feel a bit jealous especially when I saw their pictures together. It made me regret adding him on facebook.

He took her to places where I wish he would have taken me back when we were still together. She is everything that he wants for a girl. She is everything that he wants me to become. I figured that she is the "one" he's been looking for and I'm happy for him that he found her.

So how am I? How am I coping up with the life of being single. I guess the first few months had been difficult for me and I'm sure it was normal considering that I was very much in love back then. But after the mourning period and accepting that it was just not meant to be, everything has been quite okay ever since. I have tried dating again but it's not easy finding someone these days. Everyone tells me that I'm too picky. I would say that I'm just careful this time. I'm not looking for the tall, dark, handsome guy alright I just have certain qualities that i won't give up just because everyone thinks I am not getting any younger (the clock is ticking they would taunt me). I won't settle for someone just because I feel alone sometimes. I'll wait for the right person.

I have kept myself busy lately. Been involve with a lot of community service program and been climbing a lot. Recently I have joined Singles for Christ. I was a bit hesitant because I've been hearing a lot of unpleasant stuff about this community. I honestly told myself that I will just be joining the first talk of their Christian Life Program but I ended up loving it and up until now I have no regret joining at all. I've learned so many things about myself, about God, and about learning to love myself more. I can feel that I did change after the 5th talk. There had been questions about myself that only in this community I found the answers. I find myself more grateful and contented to the things that I have now. This building an intimate relationship with God really changed me to a much better person and I wish to continue this. Sure there are times that I have faltered but it's been great that my faith, my renewed faith to God has helped me deal with my problems much easier now. No longer do I run away. I am truly happy with what's been going on so far. I may feel lonely sometimes like when I eat by myself in a restaurant, or go jogging by myself, or go watch movies by myself, or go to the bookstore by myself but no longer does it worry me. Isn't that great? =D I have hope, peace, and love in my heart and I realize that's all I need.

PeT PeeVes

Read my previous entries and found how depressing it had been so i deleted them. Can't believe I've been talking about this guy. How could I've allowed myself to think that a guy like him would dig a very strange person like me? He seems to be the person who would rather go out with someone who wears make up, who is smart enough to get what his jokes are about. well enough about him. what is wrong with me? and why am i putting myself down? Is being strange a bad thing? no matter how hard i do i just can't seem to change. well while we are on the topic about my being, a thought came knocking in my head. i wonder if there is someone like me or am i really as unique as what they say i am. if i am unique then is there someone out there made just for me? someone who would be able to tolerate all the weird stuff that seem to have define me?("Reyna ng Sablay", "Blooper Girl", "Unlucky Girl", "Tanga"). Because really I myself wouldn't pick me if that would be possible (isn't that sad?).

Majority of my friends would tell me to change, to grow up because there is absolutely no way that i could attract someone (ouch right but they claim that they are only saying this because they adore and care for me). maybe you'll think that I'm being to harsh on myself. Well you are lucky today because i will be giving you a personal tour to my closet of what my sister loves to call "pet peeves". You can therefore say to yourself how hopeless my case is. And if you feel that i still have a chance of finding my pair please do say so because honestly this is really making me sad.

When I open something I never close it.

The cologne and alcohol I have wasted because I always forget to close them after use. Although yes my bag always end up smelling good but isn't it a shame that they never serve their purpose. I'm suppose to be the one smelling good not my bag!

When I switch on something I rarely switch them off.

Yeah I get worried when I go out because I couldn't stop thinking about leaving the house. What if I've forgotten to switch off the lights or any appliances? What if it could cause some disaster like fire perhaps? All the awful things I could imagine when i am not at home. so if there are times when I seem not myself don't worry i have not lost mind. I'm just lost inside my head and will recover soon after I receive a text message from my sister informing me that the house is okay.


You'll find in my bag lots and lots of candy wrappers and sometimes even inside my books.

My being too lazy to throw my trash in the garbage can is what's made this a habit already. Even if I'm probably an inch away from the garbage can I'm already programmed to keep my trash on a place where it isn't supposed to be. Yup I'm a pig. ummmh a cute pig that is.

I have a wallet but my cash, cards, and etc. is not in it.

Most of the time when I receive change I forget to place them in my wallet or sometimes when i use my card too. I know! right! how lazy could i be?!

When I sleep the bed covers, pillows, blanket, anything you can find in the bed will no longer be there.

Nobody wants to sleep beside me! I occupy most of the space of the bed! Although I'm unconscious I am apparently a thief of blanket and pillow and I move a lot too. I'm not sure if I should be blame. I mean I am sleeping and doesn't know what's been going on.

When I'm listening to music or when I watch TV it's like almost always in full volume.

I'm not deaf okay. I can't exactly explain why i so love hurting my eardrums but it makes me really happy. I really don't know why.

I have a bookmark but I seem to never able to use. Poor books.

This is probably why I am never fond of borrowing of books, I buy my own. I'm not really good with taking care of books. Awful! Just awful!

Bag is often open!

It's either i'm too forgetful or just lazy to even bother closing my bag. Everyone close to me already knows how chaotic my stuff are inside my bag. They know what's inside it. Heck they would even know if it's my period. I'm a walking trash can that's how they describe me. Even theives don't wanna mess with my bag (not that i want to). Must be because it's open and they would assume someone has already robbed me or they don't think trash bag has any value.

Well this is just some of my "minor" annoying behavior. I'll just leave the rest in my closet where it's best hidden. You're probably thinking how worst could i get right? Well if you happen to know my sister who is witness to everything i do you'll be convinced. if pet peeves can be sold I'd be a millionaire by now. :)

So far what do you think? Am I really that bad? Am i gonna end up being alone? okay i give you permission to judge me but only if you are not too harsh okay? take it easy on me. :P till then i'm still here trying to change.

Silent Cry

What am i to do with my life? I'm 26 years old, loveless, underpaid and broke. I should not be complaining i know. But these days thinking about the future i can't help but ask myself "what lies ahead of me?". It seem that it's taking forever to get somewhere, to my goals in life. I know it's wrong to compare myself to others but i feel like i'm the only one left behind. It's frustrating sometimes that at my age i'm still not making any progress. As if i am always starting from the beginning. As if i am still learning abc's and the rest are already learning their algebra. At this age i'm still finding a much suitable and decent place to stay here in cebu. At this age i'm still finding the right guy to love and who would love me back. At this age i'm still trying to fit my salary in a month from which can barely buy me a pair of jeans. At this age i'm still thinking if this is really the right job for me. At this age i have no clue as to what it is i ought to do for the following years to come. I'm running out of patience knowing that i still haven't figured things out for myself and it's not easy holding all these by myself and there is nobody to share this with. No one to turn to when i'm feeling lost and confuse. Nobody knows that i'm feeling this way. What they see is a person who doesn't have troubles because of this smile i always wear, this fake smile. But the truth is i'm carrying a huge cross and at night when i feel that i've had enough of this heavy load i would cry and nobody is there to even ease the pain i am feeling. I just choose not to share about my problems because it is something that only I can fix because it is myself that is i'm battling with. The worst of all that you have to fight with, one's self. I have before tried sharing this with someone and he ended up leaving me because he was expecting that he could help me but then there was nothing he can do. I pushed him away because he thought that I will never be happy and that i will never change. I disappointed him. Because of that experience i have stopped opening myself to anyone as I have with him. Maybe it's better this way. No one will expect anything from you. No one will be disappointed but then again no one is there to catch you when you fall because you've closed your doors already to those people who are willing to lend a helping hand. Can i risk being hurt again? I don't know. I so badly need somebody but then my fear of feeling the pain of being left behind is much greater than anything else.

The truth is i mabye feeling envious to most of the friends i've known. most of them have already gone to other places (I've not even been on a plane. never even seen one upclose). Most of them have already provided financial help to their families, I on the other hand keeps asking from mama for help. Most have already been in a happy and stable relationship, getting married and having their own family. Most have already been promoted to their jobs. yes i am a bit envious to all these. I know i'll get over this feeling but i can't help but fear if i'm forever going to be stuck to this situation. A situation where i always am the shadow of someone else's. A situation where i always have to give way for others. A situation where i am always the one to sacrifice. So many things i need to think about. I just wish that it won't be too late for me. I've missed plenty of opportunities already. Oh God help me. I know that there are a lot out there who is carrying a much heavier load but Lord you know that my heart is not as strong as their's. Instead make my heart strong enough to help me get through all these. I am nothing without you. Help me.

Sunshine after the rain

So after all the drama on my previous entry i finally found a light at the end of the tunnel. Finally a sunshine after a very long rainy day!! The task that i thought would never ever finish is finally up and running. Though having minor issues it's not something that can't be fixed especially with a little help from my mentor. =D I at last learned to take comments positively. Instead of being bitter about the mistakes i've made I should make it instrument on doing much better, make it my motivation to strive hard. i learned so many things!!

looking back i can remember all the struggles i've been through and it is only now was i able to realize how much i needed it to grow. At last I finish something.

Another good thing that happened was my 2 bestfriends are now talking to me! I'm just so happy things are back from the way they were. I honestly thought I lost them both. the past few weeks without having to talk to them really affected me. Plenty of times i would just go to the girl's room and cry. It's been awkward too having to pretend they do not exist. I'm just glad we were able to patch things up. i love them both.

And to top it all the guy that i like so much has come back from his secret mission.. his name is agent 007.. the first time i saw him i didn't like him at all.. he looks so serious! it was only at a party did i started to notice that he knows how to laugh after all. I also saw him gave a beggar some money. I knew then that he has heart. my admiration for him grew even more when both of us were tied into the same mission. we both have to work together and then i knew him more and more and then my feelings for him grew too. he brightens up my day. he makes blush. he inspire me to study more. everyday i look forward to going to the office just to hear his voice and to see him. if only he could like me then i would be very happy. but i know i don't stand a single chance. i'm so out of his league. anyways i'm just happy that he is back.

i've never been this happy and relaxed in months since 2010 came. I'm just glad that i got through my problems and i know God has never abandoned me. Thank you so much Lord for everything.

I'm Unlovable..

When it rains it really does pour..

What a sad month has it been for me.. first i saw my ex so happy without me and him announcing to the world that he needs a new gf.. can't believe him.. can't believe he put me through all these embarrassment.. after all that we've been through together.. the least he can do is respect me around our friends.. then my bestfriends abandoning me the following day.. and then there's also work!! so much to do and too much expectations from my mentor.. i wanna run away from all these! escape from all the heart aches and be forgotten..

times like these where you have no one else to turn to, no place else to hide.. I take comfort from looking at those who are less fortunate than I am.. sad to say that yes this is how I feel better by condoling with those who sleeps on the streets, those who have nothing to eat, those who is like me who dont have anybody and is lonely.. knowing that there are people who have much bigger problems than i am gives me strength to strive even harder and learn to count my blessings.. they are my source of inspiration.. if they were able to see through their troubles then i should be able too right??

but sometimes it ain't enough anymore.. i came into a point where i long to be understood and be heard by someone.. where when i speak i am being listened to.. where when i speak i am not afraid of being judged..

i've always been afraid of so many things and part of it is trusting.. i can never trust anyone anymore for i don't want to get hurt.. the people that i have opened up myself to had left me.. just because they don't like what they see.. the instant i removed my mask they ran away like they've seen a ghost.. life without me seem to be much better.. i am not important to anyone.. that's what i feel right now..

It's been difficult my life has been.. always not having a voice.. always having to pretend to be a different person.. i wear a smile and i laugh so loud just to conceal the sad person that i've been.. no one knows that i'm lonely.. no one cares that i am.. and i guess it's my own fault.. for not having the heart to trust anymore.. is there a hope for a person like me? is there someone out there who is made for me? or am I bound to be lonely for the rest of my life?

Alone Again

It's been 2 weeks since we last saw each other. I've missed him so much. It's not even like we we're oceans apart. He says he is too busy and that it's impossible for him to see me even though we live 30 minutes away from each other. I started to worry for this has never ever happened before. Not during almost 3 years of being together.

I couldn't sleep. Thoughts of him keeps me awake. I miss everything that we used to do together. I miss him so bad. I cried as I started to fear that I might be losing him. The pain that I am feeling is too much. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to talk to him but each time I try to reach him he would say "Not now please.. I'm busy..".

I couldn't stop crying when all of a sudden there was a knock on the door. As I opened I saw the person that I've been longing to hug and kiss. Without words he immediately put his arms around me as I saw tears in his eyes. I asked what's going on? But he wouldn't speak. He wouldn't even look me in the eye. For a while he was just holding me in his arms. We didn't talk. Until I couldn't take it anymore and so I faced him and made him look at me. I asked "Please tell me what it is that's making you cry? Are you breaking up with me?". He wouldn't answer. I keep repeating "please.. please.. please.. please.. say something". He finally answered "I love you. You know that. But I don't think this is working anymore.". Then he started to cry. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He held me tightly as he cried telling me "it hurts me right now to say goodbye to the only girl I have ever loved so much". Still I didn't say anything. Tears started to fill my eyes and I started to feel weak. The last words I have spoken to him was "You broke my heart. How could you do this to me? Just like that you are giving up on me? Just like that you are throwing all these away.".

Just like that he left. Just like that he walked out of me broken and alone.

All these happened 4 months ago. I'd be a hypocrite to say that I am completely healed. Of course I still sometimes cry. There's so many questions that I wanted answers from him. Questions like why it was so easy to walk out of my life? Why does he have to hurt me like that? Why after only two weeks of breaking up he was so quick to replace me? Did he even care I felt betrayed and worthless?

I don't know how I did it but I'm finally in much better place than I was months ago. Never really thought that I'd get pass the hard part, the getting over him part. No longer am I checking him through facebook. I finally learned how to completely let go. God has been very gracious to me for sending me so many people who helped me during the healing process. Thank you Lord for my friends and family.

Although a bit traumatize and scared I am still not giving up on love. I may not be ready now but I know there will come a time that this heart shall beat again. All of my faith is with God. I shall never fear. I may be alone for now but I am never lonely. I have my family and my friends to keep me going. :) I know Mr. Right is just out there somewhere looking for me. I simply cannot give up.

Starting Over

I've had this site years ago but never used it.. i decided that this year i will no longer be using the old one for reasons that i am not yet ready to share on my first post here..

Couldn't really remember the last time I posted something nor have i wrote on my diary.. too many painful events have happened last year and I guess I never wanted to put them into record for I am afraid to look back.. but no matter how hard i try to forget, so many things reminds me of the past.. we cannot erase what happened we can only learn to accept.. that's life..

right now i couldn't say that I have fully accepted my misfortunes.. I'm still in the process of recovering.. still trying to figure out what to do.. it was never easy what i went through the past few months but at least now i'm seeing some improvement.. finally found a new apartment for me and wena.. at least now i won't have to travel 2 hours everyday.. the rent is just on my budget range and is only 40 minutes away from work.. although we don't have things yet but at least our neighbor was nice enough to lend us some of their stuff like chairs and table and even cabinet. it's enough for now.. who knows maybe next month i'll find a part-time job.. If that happens then i can at least buy a new computer and then continue with my studying in masteral.. i'm trying to be positive this year.. Oh Lord make me more patient and strong..